What we'd like to hear them say in 1999

We have plenty to look forward to in 1999: Faster processors from Intel, a slower operating system from Microsoft, more mergers than you can shake a lawsuit at. All ending in the final climax of the Year 2000 Problem. What could make the coming year even better than we expect? A little bit of honesty. And with that in mind, here are some quotes from companies and industry figures that we'd like to see in 1999.

We have plenty to look forward to in 1999: Faster processors from Intel, a slower operating system from Microsoft, more mergers than you can shake a lawsuit at. All ending in the final climax of the Year 2000 Problem. What could make the coming year even better than we expect?

A little bit of honesty. And with that in mind, here are some quotes from companies and industry figures that we'd like to see in 1999.

"Of course we bundled Internet Explorer with Windows to destroy Netscape. Microsoft's standard operating policies have never allowed for other profitable software companies." --Bill Gates

"The new iMac II is 20 times faster than a Pentium-II 500. Of course, to obtain this speed, you'll have to restrict your computing to repeatedly displaying the Apple logo." --Steve Jobs

"Before you proceed to step 1, make sure you have all of the following available: five blank floppy disks, one blank CD-Recordable disc, 3GB of free hard drive space, 256MB of memory, four days with nothing better to do, six bottles of aspirin, four bottles of Scotch, and the phone number of a suicide prevention hotline." --Windows 2000 installation manual

"Version 4.56b has a known conflict with Microsoft Office 2000 that causes it to permanently delete the Windows Registry. We're sorry if this causes any minor inconveniences, but due to pressures caused by the need to quickly fix the version 4.56a Autolaunch DiskWipe problem, we had no time to debug the update." --Any Microsoft update's Readme.txt file

"I am deeply and sincerely offended by the existence of sexually related material on the Internet, and I will use the power of my new office to either wipe it out of existence or figure out how to access it." --Speaker of the House of the Month

"There are two possible approaches to fixing the Year 2000 problem once and for all. The first is to replace every computer, program, and embedded system on the planet. The second, more feasible, option is to officially rename next year 1999.1." --Greenwich Observatory

"You've got spam." --America Online

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