Shark Tank: Such language!

New IT director from Scotland tells staff, 'This project must be done in a fortnight.' Impossible, says manager pilot fish, it'll take at least two weeks. When boss points out that a fortnight is two weeks, manager sits down.

          Software tester pilot fish works on a staff with programmers from other countries, and it's not always easy to determine exactly which code has been changed. But there's no language barrier with one programmer, who always gives fish the same response: "Not know what old program do, so comment all code out, write new program to do what old program do."

          Procurement department users want to replace their legacy mainframe software with a "suite of tools," they tell IT manager pilot fish. After hearing the "suite of tools" buzzphrase repeated endlessly in a meeting, fish asks procurement manager what package they'll buy. He says, "Oh, probably that one from the 'Sweeda' company."

          New IT director from Scotland tells staff, "This project must be done in a fortnight." Impossible, says manager pilot fish, it'll take at least two weeks. When boss points out that a fortnight is two weeks, manager sits down.

          "This picture is moving," the email says but user can't figure out why the attached photo doesn't display as animation. IT manager pilot fish sighs, "It took several minutes to explain that the picture, of events related to September 11, was not meant to be moving as in animated, but as in emotional."

          User asks IT pilot fish for a price quote on some replacement monitors, and fish obliges with prices for 19-inch monitors with black cases. User fires back: "The two quotes you provided were for black monitors. Can you tell me what the prices are for colour monitors?"

          Yo parlez technese: sharky@computerworld.com. You score a stylish Shark shirt if your true tale of IT life sees print or if it shows up in the daily feed at computerworld.com/sharky.

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