Hot news for April . . . no fooling

This just in: The WorldWide WiFi Association announced today that it has solved the perennially annoying problem of poor reception. This amazing advance is called . . . wires.

  • This just in: The WorldWide WiFi Association announced today that it has solved the perennially annoying problem of poor reception. This amazing advance is called . . . wires.

  • Theresa Gattung has announced she is stepping down as the CEO of Telecom New Zealand and giving full control to telco commissioner Douglas Webb.

    "It's only fair he take full ownership since he already has a controlling interest in the company," says Gattung who plans to spend more time with her family.

  • Warren Buffett announced today that he is splitting his stock 30,000:1. "I wanted Berkshire Hathaway stock to be affordable for the previous billionaire telecomm entrepreneurs. The price will now be $US2 per share - about 10 times what their own companies' stock is worth," he says.

  • New Zealand Minister of Communications Paul Swain today announced he would change the Crimes Amendment Bill currently before parliament. The new Amended Crimes Amendment Bill takes out any reference to "hacking", "spam", "computers", "interception" or "technology" thus making it acceptable to all parties.

  • Larry Ellison resigned as CEO of Oracle to join a group of dyslexic, agnostic insomniacs who stay up all night debating, "Is there a Dog?"

  • The US cable industry has cut prices to consumers from $US80 per month to $US2 per month. The National Cable Television Association says it decided to price its product based on the customer's relative satisfaction.

  • 3Com changed its name to 2.5Com.

  • Cisco Systems CEO John Chambers revealed today that he has given up all hope of selling the telecomms industry anything, saying, "Those guys at Lucent and Nortel are doing a great job, so we are leaving the field."

  • Econet Wireless managing director Tex Edwards returned from his fact-finding mission to the south of France to say "Yeah, it was all a joke. I had no idea we'd get so much money though."

  • BellSouth said today that it was going to reduce the cost it charges AT&T because "what's fair is fair."

  • The teenagers of America have voluntarily agreed to stop downloading music and file swapping because "theft of intellectual property is just wrong."

  • The Cellular Industry Association (CIA) admitted today that cellphones do cause cancer in laboratory rats. The industry agreed to stop selling cellular service to rats.

  • Bill Goodman of Silver Springs Colorado became the first American to receive a correct telephone bill.

  • Today on newsgroup nz.comp a poster actually complimented another person and is reported to have said "I may have to change my point of view on this one," although that is unconfirmed at this time.

  • AOL Time Warner admitted today that instant messaging now is the second-greatest threat to mankind. The greatest threat: feature creep.

  • A representative of the PR industry announced that from now on anyone caught using the terms "paradigm", "enterprise", "ramping up", "going forward" or "substantiate the proposition" would be run out of town and not allowed to practice in New Zealand again.

    "From now on only words like "future" and "business" and "prove" will be allowed in official communications."

  • Bill Gates fired Steve Ballmer as CEO of Microsoft, saying, "I never really liked that guy. How he lasted this long is beyond me."

  • Steve Jobs said today . . . absolutely nothing.

  • Paul Allen admitted that he was the luckiest human being on earth.

  • Carly Fiorina published a book today called The HP HalfWay.

  • Qualcomm CEO Irwin Jacobs admitted that he never believed in Code Division Multiple Access, but was just goofing people. "Nobody can take a joke anymore," he was heard to remark.

  • Global Crossing unveiled a new plan today. Instead of just wiring the oceans, they're going to stretch a wire to the moon and back. Goldman Sachs has underwritten the offering.

  • The Knowledge Industry Association disbanded with little fanfare, since no one quite knew why it ever existed.

  • India announced today that it had just passed the 600,000,000th person who works in the call centre industry in that country. Every company in the US now has its call centre in India. India no longer accepts immigration requests from US citizens who wish to seek employment there.

  • Yankee Group CEO Brian Adamik was crowned King of Telecom because he's the only person in the world who fully understands his long-distance options.

  • The European post, telegraph and telephone administrations, which together bid $150 billion for 3G licences, collectively offered as a defence that they were temporarily addicted to mind-altering drugs, an announcement that surprised no one.

  • Motorola, the company that brought you Iridium, announced today that it has reconsidered and will relaunch 66 low-earth orbit satellites and bring back Iridium service after losing $3.5 billion and declaring bankruptcy.

    "Our service stunk, cost $7 per minute and wouldn't work in buildings, but given the state of the cellular industry today, we are now at least competitive," says company executive Robert Galvin.

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