E-tales: Telling tales

We got this one again this week and couldn't help tweaking it. It's the one about the definition of Marketing.

We got this one again this week and couldn't help tweaking it. It's the one about the definition of Marketing:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing (or lying).

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed," That's Advertising (or good mate-ism).

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing (or you clearly think you should be on a reality TV show).

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I", and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your chest lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations (though none of the ones we know, we hasten to add).

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition (or you've a reputation as a slut).

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep (or he's a slut).

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support (and sad).

You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam (and full of it).

You meet a handsome IT guy who tells you a tale of woe about his company. You sleep with him and write about it. That's Journalism.

If you've ever wondered ...

How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumour that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.

AdInsensitive

Google has quickly become known for its taking a good idea and giving it a knockout technical execution. Case in point: Google's new advertising programme, AdSense, delivers text-only advertisements tailored to the page they appear on. Computers read the content of the page and then select ads that seem to relate.

With some glee, the New York Times reports the process is not foolproof. The online edition of the New York Post apparently ran an article about a murder in which the victim's body parts were packed in a suitcase; Google served up an ad for a luggage dealer.

The Post says it is working with Google to fine-tune the system.

The big and the small

"If you were ploughing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?"

- Seymour Cray (1925-1996) , father of the supercomputer (from Slashdot)

"#3 pencils and quadrille pads."

- Cray when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer; he also recommended using the back side of the pages so that the lines were not so dominant.

"I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray."

- Cray when was informed that Apple had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help design the next Mac.

Ditch the attitude

From the Aussies don't beat around the bush department: the Sydney chapter of the Information Systems Audit and Control Association (ISACA), will be holding a conference at the Shangri-La Hotel. The topic of the Oceania Conference on Computer Audit, Control and Security (Oceania CACS), running 22-24 September? "Crooks, Lies and IT Governance". Nice. Speakers from EDS, The Security Company, Focus Strategic Group, Deloitte Touche Tohmatsu, Queensland University of Technology and the Commonwealth Bank of Australia.

Take-away heaven

Another conference you won't want to miss: PowerPoint Live, a three-day conference in Tucson, Arizona that aims to rid the world of terrible presentations. (Who said get rid of PowerPoint? Sit down at the back.) It apparently addresses all three aspects of effective presentation-building: proficiency with the tools, clarity of the message, and taste and sensibility with the delivery of that message. You'll be extra-lucky: it also promises one of the first public showings of the next version of PowerPoint. More scarily, it offers evening social functions, generous prize draws "and an inescapable atmosphere of bonding among fellow users". Eek. It's $US800 (plus airfares). Call conference headquarters at 925.398.6210. PowerPoint Live, 1423 Harvest Road, Pleasanton, CA 94566.

Edited by Mark Broatch.

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Tags E-tales

More about AppleCommonwealth Bank of AustraliaCrayDeloitte Touche TohmatsuDeloitte Touche TohmatsuEDS AustraliaGoogleHarvest RoadISACAQueensland University of TechnologyQueensland University of TechnologyTechnology

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