Oracle on the attack, Wachovia out of whack

Cringe can't get a break

I get trade show invitations like my dog, Apache, gets fleas, but this one really stung: it was for the Honeymoon and Romantic Getaways Show. Do you think they'd let me go stag? Meanwhile, I took the suggestion of a reader and checked out eHarmony, but that 436-question personality profile you must fill out lasted longer than most of my relationships. I prefer to be a little more mysterious.

Schlock and awe

Now that the US Department of Justice has cleared the way for Oracle's hostile takeover bid, virtually nothing stands between Ellison's Army and regime change in the PeopleSoft Republic. I understand CEO Craig Conway is checking out spider hole accommodations in San Jose, just in case.

Tipsy canoe

Contrary to my report from a few weeks back, it seems Bill Gates is a better tipster than he's given credit for. Waitrons at stainedapron.com say Sir Bill is a 13-percenter (and a very weird dude). Cringester Tom L says he recently encountered his Billness in a bar in upstate New York. The bartender asked him, "So, what do you do for a living?" The miffed megabillionaire dropped a $20 bill on the bar for one drink and stormed out. Hey, like the song says, nobody knows you when you're down and out to conquer the world.

Don't let Wachovia walk over ya

Word on the street is that Wachovia's website has been a little whacked since the bank merged ops with Prudential. One Cringe tipster says it took three hours to check her account — and then only with the aid of customer service. Now she's seriously considering stuffing her money in a mattress (I understand that's where Gates and Ellison keep theirs — mattresses the size of Australia).

Positively Dork Street

I knew if I asked Cringe fans to submit geeky Dylanesque song titles, they wouldn't disappoint. My personal favorites: 'I Ain't Gonna Work on Maggie's Server Farm No More' and 'Rainy Day Women Numbers SP1 and SP2'. Strangely, nobody came up with that other classic, 'Tangled Up in Bluetooth'.

Got hot tips or a favourite obscure trade show? Send 'em to cringe@infoworld.com.

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