Fry Up: Yes Kiwi Minister

The disestablished

Fry Up has learned that a local television station has, in an effort to boost ratings and revenue, bought the rights to the BBC programme Yes Minister.

It is understood the company is planning a local version of the iconic 1980s show and will base it on a character who is the Minister in charge of telecommunications and technology.

Casting decisions are, we believe, still to be confirmed, although we note that Sam Neill’s agent has not returned our calls.

A draft script of Yes Kiwi Minister was discovered inside a brown paper bag left on the doorstep of the Fry Up offices this morning...

Yes Kiwi Minister (working title)

Monday 9am

Minister: Hmm looks like it will be a quiet week, might be a good time to visit my electorate, there’s an election coming up this year after all.

Civil Servant 1: Minister you don’t have an electorate.

Minister: I think the phase you’re looking for is “Not yet”, but pass me the Mapp and I’ll soon find one. Ha, ha. Did you get that? Pass me the Mapp, two ps.

Civil Servant 2: Yes Minister, very droll.

Minister: I’m known for my off-the-cuff one-liners but never hurts to test them out with you folk before they get a public airing.

1: Yes Minister. I did wonder however if you might turn your attention to the select committee hearing on the Telecommunications Amendment Bill on Wednesday and Thursday.

Minister: Nothing to do with me, that’s select committee business.

1.Yes Minister. But there may be some trouble around the issue of timing.

Minister: What do you mean timing. It’s perfect timing. The PM’s going to announce on Wednesday that the rugby world cup isn’t going to Christchurch so that ought to dominate the news. And one of the royals, forget which but I’m hoping for that new one Kate, is paying us a visit. And, least we forget, it's St Patricks Day on Thursday so all the journos will be too drunk to file copy. Timing could not be better.

1.Yes Minister. I meant the fact that those making submissions only have ten minutes. There have been complaints.

Minister: Complaints, what’s to complain about? Ten minutes is more than they’d get in China. They ought to get down on their knees and thank me for the opportunity to speak at all. But that’s the sweaty t-shirt brigade for you. Never grateful.

2. It’s not the likes of InternetNZ that are upset Minister, some of the telcos are causing a fuss. TelstraClear has cranked up its PR machine.

Minister: Huh, that Mad Hatter stuff. Please. They didn’t even want UFB in the first place, and now they’re moaning about the process. Typical. Oh well, what are they going to do, take a full page advert out in all the papers?

1.All the same Minister, you should be aware that Labour has David Cunliffe on the case. Their usual spokesperson is away and he is filling in. I understand he is preparing some devastating questions for you in the House this week.

Minister: Oh really, give me an example.

In the background the phone rings, 1 leaves to answer it.

2. (reading) Has he been involved in any way, either directly or through his staff, in communicating to Government members of the Finance and Expenditure Committee or their staff in relation to the process for oral hearings on the bill; if so, on approximately what dates and to what end?

Minister (yawning): Wake me up when it’s over. Simple answer, no. Why? Because I’ve better stuff to do. I am Minister of Everything after all.

1.Quite right Minister, that was the PM’s office on the phone. Peter Jackson phoned the PM in the middle of the night from Hollywood. The cleaners on set are wanting to call in the union, apparently fake hobbit blood is a nightmare to wash off and they want some kind of compensation.

Minister: On to it.

Minister rushes from the room with 1 and 2 following close behind.

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