8 unsexy Valentine's iPhone apps

For many guys, Valentine's Day is an occasion to show their special lady how much they care about her by buying her jewelry or expensive clothing or by treating her to a nice dinner. This slideshow, however, isn't for those guys.

This slideshow is for guys who have no sense of romantic gusto and instead hope to make their wife or girlfriend happy by buying them a cheesy Valentine's Day iPhone app. After scouring the iTunes store for the past few days, we have picked out the eight least sexy Valentine's apps that are guaranteed to spoil the mood with anyone! So without further ado, let's get started…

(For a slideshow version with images of the apps, click here)

Kissing Test Developer: Minoru StudioPrice: Free!

This is a great app for geeks who have long dreamed of making out with their iPhone. Essentially, the app utilizes the device's touchscreen to somehow judge your kissing prowess, despite the fact that you're likely to have a tough time working up a smoldering passion for a piece of inanimate plastic. Personally speaking, we can't imagine the total humiliation we'd feel if our smartphone ever told us we were crappy kissers, but hey, we won't judge those willing to take the risk.

Flower Coach Developer: TelefloraPrice: Free!

Here's an app for guys who need a software algorithm to help them express their feelings. Basically, tell the application to construct a love note for you based on a variety of different "moods" (i.e., "silly," "sexy," "serious," "sweet," etc.). The app then generates a note for you that it pairs with the ideal flower bouquet for your lady. The example used on the iTunes store actually reads as follows: "I want to ravage your meadows and run amongst your reeds, you are a garden of love and I am a lusty steed." Something tells me this particular gentleman caller would have been better off throwing a magnetic poetry kit into a blender and writing down whatever came out of it.

MORE VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS: What a girl wants: 25 techie gifts for your Valentine

Awesome Pickups Developer: Ginger FeverPrice: $0.99

This is an ideal app for men who have no redeeming or interesting qualities and thus must rely on cheesy puns written by other people to get dates. Yes, it really is that sad. Sample: "You must be Jamaican because you're Jamaican me crazy." Another one: "Is your dad a thief? Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes." And think, those are supposedly two of the better pickup lines on the app! I can only imagine some of the lesser lines: "Hey, were you a hemorrhoid in a past life? 'Cause you're causing a burning sensation in my pants!"

iSeducer Developer: par Tectonic DevelopmentPrice: $2.99

Guys who use the Awesome Pickups app may be a little sad, but at least they're not creepy. The same thing cannot be said of clients of the iSeducer, which describes itself as "an interactive diagnostic tool, which will lead you, step-by-step, through the seduction process." And what kind of seduction advice does it give? Among other things, it tells you that in order to seduce a girl, "You need to begin touching her." What an insight! Furthermore, it warns that you "have to ease into this process in order to not come off creepy." In other words, attempting to sit in her lap within five minutes of meeting her might come off a little strong.

Ladies, if you ever go out with a sweaty, nervous guy who repeatedly checks on his iPhone as if looking for advice on how to proceed, you need to stop what you're doing and run.

Singles – Foursquare dating for iPhone Developer: AppwolfPrice: Free!

Ladies, this app is a great way to let the guys using iSeducer know that you're in their area and available for stalking. The app is basically an add-on to Foursquare where you'll be able to see whether other people in your vicinity who are logged into the system are single. From here, you can send them a private message or make an awful joke about them being Jamaican or whatever other creepy things you'd like to do.

READY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP?: Geekiest marriage proposals of all time

Foot Fetish Developer: StroikaPrice: $0.99

An app that was seemingly custom-designed for New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan, the Foot Fetish app simply contains numerous pictures of (in the app's own words) "sexy, provocative, cheeky, gorgeous and downright delectable tootsies." Uh, sure, dude, whatever makes you happy…

My Virtual Girlfriend Developer: WET Productions, Inc.Price: $0.99

Let's say you're a fella who's tried every trick in the dating book – from using pickup lines that accuse her father of being a criminal, to annoyingly reading over her shoulder in a coffee shop, to stalking her using Foursquare – and you've still come up short. What should you do? How about paying 99 cents and getting yourself a virtual girlfriend instead! According to the app's development team, it "works like a real dating Web site where you get to customize your companion by selecting your preferences during the match-making process." In other words, you can program her so she won't mind that your hair always smells like Cheetos. There are limits to what she'll take, though, as the developers warn that "if you continue to be a jerk she will even dump you."

It can't be easy being an antisocial shut-in when even your virtual girlfriend dumps you.

I Just Made Love Developer: SharQ Ltd.Price: Free

Hoo boy, now we've officially scraped 20,000 leagues below the bottom of the barrel.

This app is the logical conclusion of our narcissistic tendency to tell people everywhere exactly what we're doing all the time. In this case, the app is designed to tell the world the exact time and place where you and your partner just had relations. And what's more, it lets you know about other couples who have just had relations in your surrounding area! Maybe you can give them a virtual high-five for their stunning accomplishment.

Will you be spending this Valentine's Day making out with your iPhone? Or do you have a real-life partner to attend to? Let us know in the comments!

Read more about anti-malware in Network World's Anti-malware section.

Join the newsletter!


Sign up to gain exclusive access to email subscriptions, event invitations, competitions, giveaways, and much more.

Membership is free, and your security and privacy remain protected. View our privacy policy before signing up.

Error: Please check your email address.

Tags wirelessNetworkingmobile appsValentine's iPhone apps

Show Comments